HUMOR - The Female Demerit System

[Ysabel Kid]

Just to try to help all your fellas out...


The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy!

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You go out to buy her what she wants +5
in the rain +8
But return with Beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night +1
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with iron rod +10
It's her pet -20

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend -2
Named Tina -10
Tina is a dancer -20
Tina has silicone implants -80

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner +2
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +3
Okay, it's a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team -10

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +1
You take her to a movie she likes +3
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called 'Death Cop' -3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -8,000

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Any other response -20

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +500
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -4,000

[black tail]

HAHA I like that I think I'm in the-400,000,000,000 with my wife

[mescalero1]

I think I just figured out why I am still single

[Blaine]

Trust me....just TELL your woman what she likes....they like that firm approach That reminds me, don't waste money on a wrist watch for your woman as the one on the stove should be enough.

[Borregos]

Thanks for the help YK

[reo]

I lost about a thousand points this morning in about 5 minutes, I told my wife I would go and figure out what I did wrong. I came to your post sent it to her, with the caption "I get it now." and everything is better now. I think Thanks, YK.

[TedH]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm in negetive territory and will likely stay there.

[BenT]

Just when I thought there might be some hope for me.

[jeepnik]

Never been positive in 37 years. Oh, and Blaine, you never need to get them a wrist watch because they're going to be late anyway, so it's a waste of money.

Being late somewhere = -100
Telling her you're going to be late if you don't leave now = -1000
Arriving late and telling her you would have been on time if you had left when you told her you should = -1,000,000,000

The last is the reason I've never been ahead. Missed the plane on our honeymoon by "that" much.

[Rusty]

Well look at it this way... if you're already sleeping on the couch you can't lose any more points.

[winchester1886]

Are you talking about your wife or mine, Hmmmm must be sisters !!!!!!!!!!!!

[FWiedner]

Any man who cares what a woman thinks is wasting valuable time.

[rjohns94]

i dont score well vbg

[jeepnik]

Any man who cares what a woman thinks is wasting valuable time.

Must be single

[model55]

I like sleeping on the couch-it's well worn in ,doesn't snore or get up a odd hours of the night!My wife recently told me I should have married a women from a third world country who would do my bidding........hmmm!

[mescalero1]

The concept has merits.

[claybob86]

Any man who cares what a woman thinks is wasting valuable time.

Welllll, in the interest of my continued good health, I think it behooves me to at least act like I care...

[AJMD429]

I may get lots of demerits, but I ALWAYS try to get in the last word when we argue about anything . . . of course the 'last word' is "yes, Dear..."

[RIHMFIRE]

I scored big time this week.....
but tomorrow....it shooting, hunting and more shooting
till the 5th...i should be back in negative territory in no time!

[Jacko]

Imagine living in my house - a wife that cryed when we saw White Fang cause the poor puppy got hurt , 2 apprentice women - 10 and 13 with the Bambi syndrome real bad , a female cat that I did not want and a female parrot thats more in love with me than all the other females put together . Oh and a man hating mother in law !

And worst of all my Man Cave has she who must be obeyed's scrap booking stuff bulging out my archery and gun stuff cupboard and a floral table cloth under my Port barrel .

No point in concerning myself with demerit's - I'm never in the good books

regards Jacko

[.45]

I showed this to my wife, she said that she was glad that I finally understand how this system works. I said lets forget about all the negative points I have built up over the years.
She thought that was a good idea.

Before she left the room she looked at me and said "do I look fat".

I was at -15 in less than 30 seconds!!

[Ysabel Kid]

Imagine living in my house - a wife that cryed when we saw White Fang cause the poor puppy got hurt , 2 apprentice women - 10 and 13 with the Bambi syndrome real bad , a female cat that I did not want and a female parrot thats more in love with me than all the other females put together . Oh and a man hating mother in law !

And worst of all my Man Cave has she who must be obeyed's scrap booking stuff bulging out my archery and gun stuff cupboard and a floral table cloth under my Port barrel .

No point in concerning myself with demerit's - I'm never in the good books

regards Jacko

Jacko, my man, you need to put your foot down somewhere! I resigned myself to having little to no input in the decoration of the house. I am labor; she is management in this department. I did claim a couple rooms though where she has no input. The garage, of course, is one. My office is another. And the basement is now a third, though when we finish it I will be consigned to one room again - my reloading room.

I used to tell her that the only time I wanted to see her in my "man space" was wearing nothing but a smile. Ah, that was many years ago...

[jeepnik]

YK. While you may think you have "two" rooms. You wife is just waiting for an excuse to move out into the garage. Once upon a time, I had an entire bedroom dedicated to my HO trains. Sadly, I'm now down to just a small layout in the garage. There sneaky, they'll have a really good excuse, but as you get older, your territory will get smaller.

[JohndeFresno]

Imagine living in my house - a wife that cryed when we saw White Fang cause the poor puppy got hurt , 2 apprentice women - 10 and 13 with the Bambi syndrome real bad , a female cat that I did not want and a female parrot thats more in love with me than all the other females put together . Oh and a man hating mother in law !

And worst of all my Man Cave has she who must be obeyed's scrap booking stuff bulging out my archery and gun stuff cupboard and a floral table cloth under my Port barrel .

No point in concerning myself with demerit's - I'm never in the good books

regards Jacko

For Jacko - cryin' on the outside, laughin' like a mad man on the inside!

For the rest, starting with The Kid - laughed and laughed - thanks for the great humor!

[awp101]

I'm so far in the hole, it's like buying at the company store...