A Bittersweet surprise

[J Miller]

Yesterday I was sitting in my lounge chair peacefully watching the Coca Cola 600 when my wife called me to the computer.

She was reading through her Face Book thing, it's about the only way she can keep track of her family. My step sister in Casper is on there too. She was looking through a bunch of picnic pictures posted by a friend of my step sister when she found scattered through out the pictures of two families having a picnic in the Casper Mountains south of Casper WY, pictures of my father.

My wife asked if I thought that was him. I said, no doubt about it.
The pictures were taken probably early to mid 70s.

The last time I'd seen him was in 64 when I spent a summer in Casper. At that time we also went with another family to the Casper mountains for a picnic.

Back story:
My mother divorced my father in the late 50s or early 60s, I don't remember the exact year. I saw him once after that in 64 and never again. He died in early 1980 at 54, but I didn't get the notice until April or May of that year.
You see, my mother hated my father and his entire family so bad she'd move every year to confuse anyone looking for us. To this day I do not know why.
Her moves stopped about the time I hit my mid 20s.

In 1980 I was working towards my vacation from my armored truck job. My plans, kept mostly to myself to avoid my mothers ire, was to make a trip to Casper to see my dad. My vacation would have been in August, he died in January.
I got the message from my mother, who got it from her mother, who got it from another family member in IL who knew the Millers and saw the obit in a Taylorville newspaper, and sent it to her.
To say I was devastated was an understatement of the decade.

That afternoon I sat down and called the Casper, WY PD. I couldn't think of anyone else to call. I had no contact information for my dad either. Only a copy of the obit.
The Casper PD, took my call, listened to my tale of woes then transferred it to to the Casper phone operator so I could call the mortuary and then my step mother. The PD told the operator they would cover the charges. I was astounded at that act of kindness. I had a long talk with with the mortuary people and later my step mother. Got lots of information. Had a big cry.

My mother sat there in shocked amazement just looking at me. She could not understand why I cared. She may have hated my father, but I never got to know him enough to decide for myself. As an adult I desperately wanted to get to know him.
It was not to be.

I didn't get to Casper until 1996. We (my wife and I, we left mom at home) had a good visit, I got a few mementos from when mom, dad, and I were a family. And only one picture.

So yesterday standing there looking at more pics of my dad on the internet than I'd ever seen before, left me sad and depressed. I'm still a bit down.

Life is not fair, matter of fact it's down right cruel. But little boys growing up need a father figure to learn from. I wanted that, needed that, and didn't get it. My mother saw to that.

I'll get over it ............... no I won't. I'm still not over loosing my father at 28, when he was only 54. That was very unfair to both of us.


............................................................

My father was in the Navy. He was on an LST during the invasion of France on D-Day
Two uncles were in the Army, one wounded in action early on in North Africa, the other served all the way through.
One uncle was in the Army Air Core, was a ball turret gunner in B-17s or was in the ground crews of them, I've heard both stories.
All during WW II.
The oldest uncle was too old and had a big family to support, so he didn't serve in the military that I know of.

They are all gone now. No way to thank them for their service.

Joe

[Pete44ru]

.

FWIW, I lost my Dad to a heart attack when I was 11 y.o. and he was 41............

It pains me to know that the technology was available to save me when I had an attack 45 years later, didn't yet exist when he passed.

I am surprised at how little I remember, some 60-odd years later.

I would respectfully suggest not dwelling on other's feelings, and just try to remember what good you can.




.

[Malamute]

Sorry for the sad part Joe, but nice that you found another connection after all this time.

Do you have a copy of the picture? Feel like sharing it?

[Griff]

Joe... not to be flippant... but ain't it grand, that in spite of all the hype on TV, the most comment feature of American family life is that they're dysfunctional?

I can identify... totally. Most of this I've learned since adulthood, and verified thru several parties, is that my Father abandoned Mom, Sis & I and returned to the US in late '50 or early '51. An uncle verified Mom's story that he said, "...I'll send for you when I get settled..." So a year later, Mom dropped Sis at Grandma's and packed me, my US Passport, her Visa and came to the States to hunt 'im down. Found him... newly divorced, (due to being abandoned - I've yet to figure out how that concept flies)... and remarried. When I was 4, Mom remarried... and at 8, my Dad asked Sis & I if we'd consent to being adopted... took several months for the paperwork to make it thru... And, since it got my "father" out of any more child support, of course he agreed. That Christmas was the ONLY Christmas that he bothered to send a card... let alone a gift... and we lived in the same county for at least 25 years.

It takes two to maintain a relationship. And if one really cares... it ain't all that hard to track a person if they're living under their real name. Even so, when I found out that my real father had passed... I was a little sad that I'd never taken the trouble to do my part... but I'd made a promise to my Mom. And frankly, I feel better about keeping that promise than what little might have been gained from meetin' "the deadbeat"... Or so sez my Mom.

[J Miller]

Malamute,

Yeah, here's the first one my wife showed me:

H G Miller b.jpg

He's squirting mustard at the photographer.


Griff,

Between my mom and my current step mother was another wife and child. I don't know what my dad did to try and find me, but he had his hands full.
My mom also reverted back to her maiden name. Seems as if bill collectors were after my dad at that point and found her instead. So rather than put up with them, she changed her name.
What ever he did, it obviously wasn't enough.

In my case there was no desertion, just a divorce and many many moves. My mom tried to turn me against him in a subtle manner, I guess I'm not good at taking subtle hints, so it didn't take.

Joe

[Blaine]

Joe, I never knew my Dad...he ran out on us when I was 3, and Mom was carrying my sister. It's hard not to be bitter. Try to let it go.

[BrianSH]

My story is similar, as I never knew my father either. When he left after the divorce, never saw him after that. I was in pre-school then. Missed out on a lot growing up without a dad. Still has effects on me today and I'm hitting 55 this year.
I choose to believe it was better that way, One can get wrapped around the axel thinking - "if only" & "what if" but just maybe it could have been worse with him around.
I do find it encouraging that you and I are not alone in this at this forum, and it seems that we all turned out pretty much ok.
- Brian

[model55]

I feel for you,my wife hates my family however they are related, mainly because of my sister.Even two who came here from other countries,go figure her's were no saints!

[Mescalero]

My family has always suffered from being really small, only my half brother and myself left.
Guess I better start working on teaching the girlfriend's daughter property management.
She sure is going to inherit enough of it.

[Malamute]

Thanks for sharing the picture and story Joe.

Looks like several here have similar tales in their lives.

Things werent too bad family wise, other than the folks splitting up. Even when things aren't going well, and others look like things are well with them, I haven't seen anyone I want to trade places with.

A saying I heard a few years ago, "Everybody seems pretty normal,..until you get to know them".

[Blaine]

Normal is just a setting on the dryer I don't suffer from insanity, I savor every moment of it....

[model55]

What Blaine said!

[SteveR]

Sorry about your pain Joe, but maybe it was a blessing not knowing him. You were a kid when your parents split up, even if your parents were upset with each other, that is no excuse why your father never sent you a birthday card or even a Christmas card. I know I surely do not know all the facts, but I have seen that type of behavior being played out. It is hardest on the children, because they blame themselves for what the parent should have done.

Prayers for you, (and also for your Ms.),

Steve

[Nath]

Good to hear from you my old friend.
My parents were screwy too Joe. Darn well near sent me over the edge too!
Nutters!
Your a good'n Joe.

Nath

[steve817]

I grew up wishing my father would leave. The only time I felt safe was when he wasn't around. There I said it.

[J Miller]

SteveR,

Please explain to me how my father could send my cards or anything when he did not have mailing addresses?

Joe

[SteveR]

SteveR,

Please explain to me how my father could send my cards or anything when he did not have mailing addresses?

Joe

I am not trying to hurt or make your pain any worse, but I as an adult, would know enough to send it to one of your mothers relatives, and ask to forward it to you. Or at least try. All I am saying is I have seen the hurt of a father who abandons there child and the child doesn't understand why. Or blames themselves as being the cause of the parents break up.

I would doubt that your Mother would deny him send you a card at least.

Steve

[Larkbill]

This post is a tribute to the power of the human spirit. After less than ideal early lives several here exhibit all the traits of being great people and most of all friends to most they meet. I can see how experiences like these could make one bitter and withdrawn, but you folks are some of the most helpful and giving I've run across.

It makes you wonder when you hear many sociologists claiming that so many of today's kids are messed up and in gangs because of missing men in their lives. There has to be more to it than that.

I was lucky, I grew up with Ozzie and Harriet. They beat my butt when I deserved it, held the reins pretty loose most of the time, and hopefully passed on some pretty strong longevity genes. They are both in their late 80's and if they make it to August will celebrate 60 years together then.