tool usage dictionary

[Grizz]

courtesy of the Glen-L website:

Tool Usage Dictionary

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--".

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race...

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SONOVA B*TCH! TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch!" at the top of your lungs, just as your in-laws or any impressionable children walk through the door. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

I can personally relate to just about every one of these, glad I'm not the only one who went to this school!

[Griff]

Yes, I can personally attest to the accuracy of that tool list. In my own case, much to my dismay, it is worded far too mildly.

I do, however, find it somewhat amusing, and yet almost entirely disheartening, that you found that list on a site dedicated to the construction of craft to be floated on bodies of water, both large and small. I think the project in Gibb's basement a couple seasons ago was a Glen-L creation...

[AJMD429]

I think I'll print it and have it laminated and post it on the wall in my workshop...

[Griff]

My son calls it making "the ritual blood sacrifice to the Gods of Mechanics." No job is done right until said sacrifice has been made!

[JerryB]

Grizz, thanks for the belly ache!!!!!! My wife and I just finished a big lunch and that was to much hard laughing, it hurts now.

[gamekeeper]

Everyone should read that list before using any of those tools for the first time......

[FWiedner]

My garage must be bugged...

[Grizz]

I could add:

flaring tool -- device designed to consecutively shorten copper tubing until it is too short to reach its destination. see flare union...
flare union -- device to extend previously shortened bits of copper tubing, IF one remembers to install the nut before the flare...

what would you add?

Grizz

[piller]

Sawzall: device used to find and cut wiring hidden behind sheetrock.

Crescent Wrench: device made to fit and round off any size nut within the range of the jaw opening.

Power Miter Saw: Device used to make specific angle cuts in a board, thus shortening it to the point which it is now too short to fit into the desired space.

Angle Grinder: Device used to ruin any metal work project in the minimum amount of time.

[Boreman]

Ain't it the awful truth.I have used everyone of those tools at least once on and on...........................

[Blaine]

I've matured enough, and learned enough patience that only about 90% of those are true.... (when I was building my Van Project RV last year, I'm surprised I didn't puncture the oil pan)

[Alan Wood]

Everyone should read that list before using any of those tools for the first time......

And they should read the list before every time they use any of those tools! It's just to acuirate!
Alan Wood