Figured I'd try to help you fellows out with Valentines Day coming up next week...
The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy!
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system
Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You go out to buy her what she wants +5
in the rain +8
But return with Beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night +1
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with iron rod +10
It's her pet -20
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend -2
Named Tina -10
Tina is a dancer -20
Tina has silicone implants -80
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner +2
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +3
Okay, it's a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team -10
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +1
You take her to a movie she likes +3
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called 'Death Cop' -3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -8,000
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Any other response -20
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +500
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -4,000
HUMOR - The Female Demerit System
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Welcome to the Leverguns.Com General Discussions Forum. This is a high-class place so act respectable. We discuss most anything here other than politics... politely.
Please post political post in the new Politics forum.
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Ysabel Kid
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mescalero1
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Gobblerforge
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gamekeeper
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Ram Hammer
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A couple of years ago I was helping my wife clear the table after dinner when she delivered one of those off hand "I love you"s. Well it arrived a half second before I released a belch that rattled the windows and sent to dog seeking cover under the bed. Needless to say, that wasn't the response she was expecting. I'm still in the negative from that one.
No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers
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mod71alaska
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A big difference between men and women is that men think they accrue points in the bank for all the good things they do and women zero men out every week. That's why "But Honey, I took out the garbage last week!" doesn't get a guy anything more than a "you better get your a-- in gear" scowl from a woman. The poor guy thought he had a 100 points in the bank when in reality...that's right, HER REALITY IS REALITY...in reality the guy had no points at all because it was Monday and a new week!
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JohnnyReb
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I hate to disagree but experience tells me otherwise.......
Dad told me that you can't make points with a woman.... only try to avoid losing 'em....... Have all the points you going to get on the first day.
Just try to hang on.........
Now my wife and I have come up with a liveable system:
she makes all the little decisions;
I make all the REALLY BIG decisions
In 25 years of marriage, we have not yet faced a REALLY BIG decision..... but when we do..........I'll be READY
.
Dad told me that you can't make points with a woman.... only try to avoid losing 'em....... Have all the points you going to get on the first day.
Just try to hang on.........
Now my wife and I have come up with a liveable system:
she makes all the little decisions;
I make all the REALLY BIG decisions
In 25 years of marriage, we have not yet faced a REALLY BIG decision..... but when we do..........I'll be READY
.Redneck suicide note: Here, hold my beer and watch this!!
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centershot
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buckeyeshooter
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Kilroy6644
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Makes me think of the bit by Greg Hahn:
She didn't like my impression of her mother. She said "You just lost some points."
"Really? How many points did I start out with?"
"Don't ask any questions! You're just gonna lose more points!"
"Well, transfer my account to your younger sister."
KILROY WAS HERE
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
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bigbore442001
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Be thankful it didn't come from the other end. You'ld still be recieving mail in the dog's house.Ram Hammer wrote:A couple of years ago I was helping my wife clear the table after dinner when she delivered one of those off hand "I love you"s. Well it arrived a half second before I released a belch that rattled the windows and sent to dog seeking cover under the bed. Needless to say, that wasn't the response she was expecting. I'm still in the negative from that one.
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Ysabel Kid
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