HUMOR - An Open Letter to America

[Griff]

The moment could be right!!!!

A Message from "unknown" (edited to remove incorrect attribution)

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are stuff and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

[J Miller]

Who ever wrote that piece of nonsense needs to immigrate to the UK. They obviously don't like living here in the U.S..


Joe

[Jason_W]

Who ever wrote that piece of nonsense needs to immigrate to the UK. They obviously don't like living here in the U.S..


Joe

Allegedly, it was written by John Cleese, who is a Brit.

It's just a satire piece.

[deerwhacker444]

.
Cleese didn't pen it, here's a link to the original on Snopes.com

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

[Griff]

.
Cleese didn't pen it, here's a link to the original on Snopes.com
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

I was gonna take the Cleese reference out, but I got distracted taking all the little ">"s out & forgot, stil thought it funny anyway!

[rjohns94]

Its still clever.

[gamekeeper]

Welcome back fella's. Time to reload yer Kentucky's me thinks!!!

[Dirty Dan]

Whipped 'em once, we should have no problem the next time around. There's probably enough PO'd Texans to handle it ourselves. (Hold my beer & watch this...shot)

[J Miller]

You know, if this country was invaded by the Brits right now, and if the Brits were dressed in their bright red coats, and they were still using their Brown Bess muskets, the people in this country would pee themselves in panic and cry for Uncle Sam to protect them.

MOST PEOPLE in this country have gotten mentally, emotionally, and physically SOFT. The pioneer spirit is dead. Every one says, we can take care of this or that invader, but we can't. We can't even take care of our own corrupt government. Our lives are too easy, too soft.

Sorry guys, all the patriotic rhetoric in the world won't cover up the pathetic mess this country is in.

JMHO

Joe

[jazman]

Good chuckle Griff.
Joe, it's a joke...no need to start filling out a CPL (Concealed Peeler License) form...

[deerwhacker444]

.
Cleese didn't pen it, here's a link to the original on Snopes.com
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

I was gonna take the Cleese reference out, but I got distracted taking all the little ">"s out & forgot, stil thought it funny anyway!

The British are coming, ..The British are coming.

Yeah, still funny. While reading it, I imagined Cleese was saying it, makes it a little funnier.

[Ysabel Kid]

Its still clever.

+1 Points out the absurd by being absurd!

[sgtgrinche]

[MOST PEOPLE in this country have gotten mentally, emotionally, and physically SOFT. The pioneer spirit is dead. Every one says, we can take care of this or that invader, but we can't. We can't even take care of our own corrupt government. Our lives are too easy, too soft. [/quote]
mr. miller makes a good point

[Gary]

On the other hand, I recall in recent history how the US kicked a couple of nations, run by thugs, to the curb. I think we could do it again, regardless of how shrill and whiny TV portrays America.


Gary

[JReed]

In the words of Mathew Quigley " We already run the misfits out of our country and sent them back to England"

This doesnt include Gamekeeper and GK Jr or Nath.

[claybob86]

After the next election, we might be wishing this was true!

[Jaguarundi]

In the words of Mathew Quigley " We already run the misfits out of our country and sent them back to England"

This doesnt include Gamekeeper and GK Jr or Nath.

+1 Hoorah !But does that mean we can send Clinton & Obama to England?

[oldgerboy]

Two points, however, need to be noticed.
1. Get rid of using "like", "you know", and the like. The vocabulary in use by many Americans (I include texting words(?)) is a fine example of dumbing down.
2. The way so many sheeple blindly graze around ..."Do you think they will notice?" Joe made a point.

[Sixgun]

In the words of Mathew Quigley " We already run the misfits out of our country and sent them back to England"

This doesnt include Gamekeeper and GK Jr or Nath.

Jeremy, Yea, copy that! With the exception of our 3 fine British friends, the rest of them ought to look in their own back yard, before writing such foolishness.----------Sixgun

[JReed]

In the words of Mathew Quigley " We already run the misfits out of our country and sent them back to England"

This doesnt include Gamekeeper and GK Jr or Nath.

+1 Hoorah !But does that mean we can send Clinton & Obama to England?

On the first available means of transportation. Hope fully attached to the keel of an east bound sub.

[Jaguarundi]

JReed-"Deep Six" would be preferable than good ol'e Keel Haul'n.