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Tomorrow at 11:00 I'll be in the hospital getting the long waited colonoscopy. It's been reschedualed once by the hospital, and once by me (I got sick after a Dr office visit.).
I started the prep at midnight last night, no solid foods until tomorrow. At 11:00 this morning I took a laxative, and at 6:00 tonight I start drinking some foul concoction prescribed to purge all matter from my plumbing. I got 2 to 3 hours to drink at least a half gallon of it. At least a half gallon of salty stuff that has the great possibility of making me barf or driving my blood pressure through the stratosphere. I've cut way back on my salt consumption, so this stuff will be like a mega over dose of sodium.
According the pre-procedure instructions I can have: water, black coffee or tea with sugar (no milk products) oops I had a slug of chocolate milk this morning- oh well, soft drinks such as Pepsi/Coke, Gatorade or lemon-lime, plain Jello, broth, bouillon and clear juices such as apple or white grape juice, as well as popsicles, hard candies, lifesavers. Can't drink anything red in color. I can do this till midnight tonight. After midnight, no more water even.
But ..... no food. And I'm already hungry. To put it mildly, I'm gonna be a sick puppy come tomorrow afternoon. By these instructions I can't even drink water tomorrow AM to take my BP meds ... and that could cause a problem.
Oh whata lotta fun we gonna have ..........
So, if you guys don't hear from me after tomorrow, I'm sure my wife will be glad to take high bids for my toys.
Well, if you've read between the lines you'll know I'm not looking forward to this. I hate hospitals, I hate tests and procedures, and I'm developing a really intense dislike for doctors too. Nothing persona AJMD, I just don't like the feriners I've had to put up with here in Springfield.
Joe
Last edited by J Miller on Wed Dec 16, 2009 3:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
***Be sneaky, get closer, bust the cap on him when you can put the ball where it counts .***
Ahh,...don't worry about it Joe,..it's only WEIRD the first time..! ...
Word of advice from experience, when you drink the salty stuff, don't have anything scheduled you can't break away from. You might want to set up a TV in the bathroom to save you some run time cause it WILL clean you out.
All funny business aside, I'm sure everything will go well. Don't worry about it, it's a non-event. The build-up and hype is way worse than the actual procedure, IMO.
"If ever a time should come, when vain and aspiring men
shall possess the highest seats in Government,
our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots
to prevent its ruin." Samuel Adams
Don't worry bout this too much, it's the thought of it that causes so much unrest. You will have got through the worst bit with the starving and all !! Be done with before you know it. Goodluck and Godbless.
When I have to go in, I always think of a line from the movie The Long Ships (1964) spoken to Viking Richard Widmark by Moor Sidney Poitier: "We shall test your courage, infidel, and you shall ride the silver stallion..." or something like that...
You'll be fine Joe. Like the others have said, the anticipation is the worst part...
Tom
'A Man's got to have a code...
I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted and I won't be laid a hand on.
I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them." -John Bernard Books. Jan. 22, 1901
Make sure they knock you out first, before they start
The meek shall inherit the earth, but I reserve the mineral rights!
All the knowledge in the world, is of no use to fools! (Eagles-long road out of Eden)
don Tomás wrote:When I have to go in, I always think of a line from the movie The Long Ships (1964) spoken to Viking Richard Widmark by Moor Sidney Poitier: "We shall test your courage, infidel, and you shall ride the silver stallion..." or something like that...
You'll be fine Joe. Like the others have said, the anticipation is the worst part...
After I stop laughing I will say a prayer for you Joe!
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At I first was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER... Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning
Nothin' to it; I've had 3. They give good meds that make you forget everything. The forgetfulness can continue for a few hours after it's over. We always went out to eat afterward and the next day I always asked the same questions. Where did we go? What did I order? Did I like it?
Bob in NE Indiana
Don't look back something might be gaining on you.
-Leroy "Satchel" Paige
You're about to go thru the worst part of the entire thing, drinking that 5 gallon jug of crappy tasting slime. When you hit the OR and they get you hooked up to the IV drop in the fun stuff in the syringe you won't know much of anything happened until they're trying to get you to get yourself dressed.
PS after you start drinking that stuff , no more fartin for a few hours.
My dad put off his visit with the magic wand for years. When he finally went, his procedure was done at a teaching hospital, so ya really never knew who was gonna take care of ya.... The doc came in and dad noticed his name tag "Holmes". Dad says to the doc "Tell me your first name"
"John"
That was it, the ole man started laughing and they tell me he joked all the way through the procedure, (of course the la la juice means he didn't remember any of that).
YOU'LL BE FINE, JOE. I HAD THIS DONE LAST MARCH IN THE HOSPITAL AND IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE. THE DR WAS A FINE LOOKING MIDDLE AGED BLONDE WOMAN. WE WERE TALKING AND LAUGHING AND AFTER A SECOND I MADE A JOKE; SHE SAYS "ALL DONE WASN'T THAT EASY" ? NO KIDDING I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK BUT OUR CONVERSATION NEVER MISSED A SYLLABLE.
Ahhh. Chas beat me to the colonoscopy journal...Hey, Good luck Jmiller, it aint so bad if they do it early, so you can take your meds and eat by 10'30.
LOL Yeah, I had my second one in Sept. Being a cancer survivor, the docs thought it prudent that they check that end, too. No problemo, passed with flying brown, er, colors.
"Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale, and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged"....President Abraham Lincoln
Well, I've busied myself fixing the holster I asked about the other day. Turned out pretty nice for an old beat up thing. Then I fixed a cut in the gun belt. It is a home made outfit and who ever cut the slots in the belt for the cartridge loops slipped. All fixed now.
I got my jug of witches brew all made up with the little packet of lemon flavor. The instructions say to use a straw and suck it straight down so you don't get the salty stuff in your mouth. Not sure it's gonna matter.
Chas.
I laughed till I had tears down my face at the colonoscopy journal. That is a hoot.
Tomorrow I'll see if I'm capable of giving you guys a report before the dope is totally worn off. That might get me banned though.
And yes SIU is a teaching hospital. So I have no idea who's gonna rotor rooter my innards.
Oh and they are going in through both ends, they wanna check my stomach for ulcers and what ever too.
You guys are a hoot.
Joe
***Be sneaky, get closer, bust the cap on him when you can put the ball where it counts .***
Hey joe. I knew this guy at work. He was always complaining about his stomach. We told him to go to the doc, but he wouldnt, for he was cheap. Then one day he was complaining and a new guy on our dept told him about a good cheap doctor he knew of. The guy went, came back and cussed us out. Said he went to this rickity cheap office building in the poor part of town. Said there wasnt a seperate waiting room, but everything done in one big room. He said this huge fat guy was just ahead of him. Doc asked the guy why he was there. The guy said, Doc, muh butt hurts real bad! Doc said bend over and gave him a finger wave.
Then the doc just told him he had hemroids and wiped his finger on his apron, wrote a prescription, and turned to our buddy. Whats wrong with you? My stomach is really bothering me. Open your mouth and say ahhh. Just then the doc took that same smelly finger and popped it in my mouth and I started upchucking, then that doc said, ya got a weak stomach and writes me out a prescription!
Had my first one last Friday. Yup, nothing better tasting than a half gallon of camel snot. By the third glass, I learned to be setting on the pot WHILE I drank it. One glass in, one glass out. They're right though; those are some dang good drugs. I got more rest in that 25 minutes than the whole night before. I was told that it was a variation of the "date rape drug".........how appropriate
I'm almost done with the witches brew. And I've evacuated a LOT of water. Seems like this stuff is going straight through me. Not much solid waste at all.
My butt feels like I might need a sling for it though.
Joe
***Be sneaky, get closer, bust the cap on him when you can put the ball where it counts .***
I consider the "liquid plumber" to be the worst part of the whole procedure, and the rest to be cruising downhill.
I was REAL apprehensive about my first colonoscopy, and since I disliked the prep, I was prepared for the rest to be downright miserable. After I got the gown on, I stood up, rocked back and forth on my feet there in the staging room and said, "I wonder how many cotton balls are in that jar?" That was a bit from the "King of the Hill" colonoscopy episode, and my RN wife busted out laughing.
"I'll bet there's thirty. Yep. Thirty."
Once that happened, whatever tension I had was gone and everything from there on went smooth as sh... uh, silk. Still, once every five years is enough.
Still got the calcium silicate and a couple more glasses of water to go yet. When I woke up a nice nurse had a glass of water with a straw in it asking "would you like a drink?". My reply was "thank you mam but I don't think I want anything to drink until 2010"
.***
