Humor: MAINE Jokes Wanted!

[Old No7]

Hey, it's Friday night, and since I "took a shot" at Kaliphornia the other night, somebody out there must have some Maine jokes...

If so, let's hear 'em!

I'll start with a few easy ones...

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Q: How do we know the toothbrush was invented here in Maine?

A: Anywhere else, it would have been called the "teeth" brush.

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Q: How do you complement a Maine woman?

A: Hey, nice tooth!

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Q: What do you get with a room full of Maine women?

A: A full set of teeth.

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Q: What's the Maine difference between a porcupine, and a shiny BWM with outta-state plates?

A: The pr*cks are on the outside of the porcupine!

= = = = =

Old No7

ps: Fire away! As I was born a Mass-hole anyway... (But not by choice!)

[JReed]

Dont know any to add to the list but those are funny

[Rusty]

I'm just glad to see someone get picked on besides those from West Virginia.

[arjunky]

Only state jokes I can remember are for North Dakota and surrounding states.

Why is North Dakota so windy? Because Montana blows and Minnesota sucks.

Why doesn't North Dakota have a professional football or baseball team? Because Minnesota would want one too.

Byron

[Old Savage]

Well now, a representative for a insurance company called a company CEO and asked if he had any employees approaching retirement age. He replied "Well, we don't have any going the other way.".

[bigbore442001]

There was a young couple that started to do biology experiments. Soon enough, they were in trouble. So the boy and girl got married and had a tar paper shack up on the back side of Patch Mountain. No electricty and no running water, except for the stream out back. He worked for the clothespin mill while she stayed at home getting bigger ever day.

After nine months, the time for the blessed event was about to take place. This was in the middle of the night and so the boy ran for the doctor. He guided the doctor up the cart road to their place. Needless to say the boy was very nervouse. He had never been through something like this before. So the doctor assured him all would be well and he should sit outside. Since it was dark he asked the boy to get a lamp. Again, no electricity and no running water. In fact, they had a one hole out house. Anything more than that is too complicated for some folks.

Well, she started to give birth and the doctor was using the lamp to see what was going on. Soon you heard some crying and the doctor announced," Congratulations. You have a fine healthy baby boy." The boy looked relieved and then the doctor brought the lamp closer to the business end of things. He exclaimed," Wait a minute." Soon another bundle of joy was brought into the world. The doctor announced," Congratulations again. You have another fine baby boy." Now the boy looked worried. The doctor then drew the lamp closer to the business end of things and then the boy stepped in with a worried tone to his voice. " Now Doc. Could you put the lamp away. You don't think the light might be drawing them out? "

[bigbore442001]

A young man wanted to see the city for the first time so he decided to take the train south and see the city of Boston. He had heard about many things about the place but was a little leery since he was a country boy.

He arrived at this big hotel and got a room. Soon, the concierge asked," Did you eat yet? " He replied," No. I'm not hungry."

The concierge replied," Why don't you try some of our clam chowder? "

The young man replied, " No. I don't like clam chowder."

Soon enough he was tired and went to his room. It turns out that the room was adjacent to another that had an old man who was convalescing and was visited by a nurse at bed time. In the dark, the nurse apparently didn't see the room number and so unlocked the room. The young man was in bed but immediately froze. He wasn't sure of what was going on and became rather frightened at the potential of a burglar. So he stayed still . The nurse then went over to him, popped a couple of pills in his mouth the flipped him over. At that point, she pulled his drawers down and gave him a high enema. She patted him on the rump and then left.

In the morning, the young man decided he had enough of Boston's hospitality and then proceeded back home to Maine.

When he got back his friends wanted to know how his trip was. He was very candid and blunt about the experience. " So...How was Boston?" a friend asked. The young man replied," It is ok but I'll give you some advice. Whatever you do. Don't ever refuse to try their clam chowder. They will get it in you one way or another."

[bigbore442001]

Old Widow Wentworth lived on the south side of Patch Mountain. She lived alone and was very independent. She never wanted to be bothered but this time the tax collector was assessing her place and was also on the board of health. Sooo he was going to inspect her privy. She didn't believe you should do that inside the house so she used a proper outhouse with two holes. One hole cut bigger for other people who really need it.

Well the tax man went about and he is a thorough inspector. He went right to the privy and stuck his head in the hole. The trouble with the tax man is that he had a long beard that just about went to his belly. In the process of inspecting, he got the beard caught between two of the boards. Needless to say he was in dire straits. He was being held precariously near that rich organic environment for some time. Soon he felt light headed and his eyes were watering but he was able to extricate himself from the spot. After he shook his head, he turned around to see the widow standing there.

She replied," That's irritating. Ain't it? "

[bigbore442001]

A while back there was a senator from Texas who was on a tour of Maine. He wasn't well thought of as it seems that he was very condescending and didn't have anything good to say about the state or what he had seen.

So on he was visiting the local clothespin mill. The owner of the place showed the senator all of the manufacturing capabilities and asked his opinion. Well, the senator didn't have anything good to say. He replied," Everything here is too small. You have got to thing BIG. No wonder you have economic problems. " Well. The owner wasn't happy and said,"Wait." " I have something to show you."

He then showed the senator the storage room. It had all of sixteen doors. Well, the senator quipped. " You think this place is big? We have outhouses in Texas bigger than this. "

The mill owner replied," Well by God. You probably need them. "

[Old Savage]

New residents to a Maine town went to the town meeting and inquired why no building permits had been issued as they had seen some construction going on. The mayor answered "Ain't noboby built a building here lately that didn't know how."

[Texican]

The Brilliance of Children:

[true story] Last week, I asked my son (just turned 6) what the Four Corner States were.

His reply was, "California, Washington, Florida and Maine".

I couldn't say that he was wrong...

[Bogie35]

Democratic Party Chair"person", John Knutson.

[Rusty]

How do you get a Univ. of Maine cheerleader into your dorm room?


You grease her hips and push her on in.

[1886]

O.K. you asked for it. What do Mainers do on Halloween? Hang around and pump kin.
What do Maine girls say after sex? Get off me pa you're crushing my Marlboros.
I can smell the censor coming. Hope I did not offend anyone but I could not help myself. I am going to take myself to the woodshed now. 1886.

[BigBoreWhore]

Whats the diff between a Maine woman and a moose....

10Lbs and a flannel shirt...

[WinM71]

A Maine farmwife was lying on her bed reading Yankee magazine when her farmer husband steps into the bedroom doorway leading a great big old sheep on a rope. He steps in and says "this is the pig I $?#! when you've got a headache". The woman looks at him and says "Lem, you're just wicked stupid. That ain't a pig, it's a sheep!" Lem answers with "I may be stupid, but I was talking to the sheep".


Hope that one don't tighten anybody up too bad!


(For those who may not be aware, "wicked" is perhaps the most popular adjective used in New England. It means "extremely".)

[Rusty]

Maybe we should label these as rated "R"!

[The Lewis]

Portland, as close as you can get to Maine without actually being there!

[Bogie35]

Whats the diff between a Maine woman and a moose....

10Lbs and a flannel shirt...

You could also have said "lipstick"!

bogie

[Ysabel Kid]

[Rusty]

Why can't they put artificial turf in the stadium for the University?


The cheerleaders won't have a place to graze during the games.