My Dad passed away this morn.

Pitchy · Post by **Pitchy** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:30 am

Well fellas here`s one for your advice.
My dad lives 20 miles from us and hasn`t came to our house or called in that amount of time.
He devoiced my mother in 77 and us kids, never came too my mothers funeral when she passed in 2001.
I don`t believe i`m going to his funeral and i`m sure i`ll be made the bad person for it but my heart ain`t in it.
The most i can muster up is, Dad i forgive you and i`m sorry for the wrongs i did against you and i`ve been praying that you found the Lord.
RIP Dad.

Post by **Chuck 100 yd** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:33 am

I am sad to hear of any passing's of those connected to our family. Prayers for all.

pwl44m · Post by **pwl44m** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:37 am

Sorry Pitchy, thats a bummer.My Heart goes out to U & Ur Family. God Bless and Godspeed in Ur decisions.
Perry

mod71alaska · Post by **mod71alaska** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:41 am

My Condolences and Prayers for Peace.

vonfatman · Post by **vonfatman** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:44 am

Mr. pitchy,
Prayers sent sir. I'm sorry for your loss. May God help you to make wise decisions during this tough time.
Bob

OldWin · Post by **OldWin** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:51 am

Sorry to hear Pitchy. Prayers sent to you and your family.

Borregos · Post by **Borregos** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:05 am

Sorry to hear that Pitchy, prayers up for all concerned.

Post by **Old Savage** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:05 am

What would God have you do?

JReed · Post by **JReed** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:08 am

Sorry for your loss.

Steelbanger · Post by **Steelbanger** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:15 am

Well Pitchy,

You asked for advice so here's mine. Bite the bullet and go to the funeral. The time has come to bury all the hurt and grief you've felt over the years. No scenes, no carrying on, just your dignified presence.

I am sorry for your loss and hope, like you, that your dad found the Lord before passing.

Prayers up for you.

Frank

TedH · Post by **TedH** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:16 am

Sorry to hear that brother. You do whatever you feel best in your heart. Prayers up.

gamekeeper · Post by **gamekeeper** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:25 am

Prayers sent, I hope that now you can move on and leave the past in the past.

.45colt · Post by **.45colt** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:25 am

Thats a tough one Pitchy.Prayers All Around.

jh45gun · Post by **jh45gun** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:30 am

What Steel banger said. Go to the funeral even though you were not getting along he still was your father. Just quietly go and pay your respects and then if you feel you cannot handle it or want to go then go. I would guess that all that know you knows the situation.

My Condolences.

BenT · Post by **BenT** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:59 am

Sorry for your loss. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right. One thing for sure, you are the "old man" now, being a wise old man is the hard part.

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:11 am

Lots of bad people in this world and most of them have children making them bad parents to boot. Having bad parents and not having warm fuzzy feelings toward them does not make US bad as well. These folks earn the feelings of their children.

My parents were divorced when I was an infant and was dumped on my Grandparents to raise, who did an outstanding job. I never met my father until I was 32 years old and only saw my mother on occasion as I was growing up. In their latter years, then wondered why I didn't have warm fuzzy feelings for them in their old age.

Our feelings for our parents are the product of their parenting, either good or bad. Don't beat yourself for being a human being. You feelings or lack thereof for your Father are entirely appropriate for the circumstances. If you want to go to the funeral, then go. If you don't want to go, the don't. Either way, it won't change who you are in any way.

RIHMFIRE · Post by **RIHMFIRE** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:14 am

prayers sent

3leggedturtle · Post by **3leggedturtle** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:14 am

Sorry Pitch. Hope blessings on you no matter which you decide.

Modoc ED · Post by **Modoc ED** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:25 am

Condolences. Do what you can live with. You don't have an obligation to go but will it weigh on you if you don't go.

Mossyoak1957 · Post by **Mossyoak1957** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:27 am

So sorry,
At least he did one good thing,he put you and your siblings on this earth.
Do whatever makes you feel at peace.

Mescalero · Post by **Mescalero** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:31 am

Charles is right, when my mother took the journey last May, I did not go to hers.
There was nothing I COULD do to change her.
But I have free will, and I CHOOSE not to be like her.

Booger Bill · Post by **Booger Bill** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:50 am

Pitchy my condolances. Right now I can relate from a opposite point. You/we/I never know the complete story from THEIR viewpoint. I HAD a good relationship with my daughter until six months ago. We had a misunderstanding that about killed my wife, her stepmother. We are both hard headed and it shouldnt be and I have left the ball in her park. I had the worst divorice you can imangine with her mother when she was 7. Of course she is a lot closer with her mother. I am pretty sure she doesnt have a honest inkling about her mothers shenanigans that caused our divorice. She has no idea what I went through for her (my daughter) or disregards it. What I am trying to say here pitchy, is I bet even you dont know the complete truth of the matter from your dads viewpoint. Go to the funneral.

rjohns94 · Post by **rjohns94** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:51 am

Pitchy, I sense you have not forgiven him since you think you are not going to the funeral. I hope you rethink that and lay this at the feet of Jesus and go to your dad's funeral. Praying for you. I support what ever you feel God is calling you to do. Blessings

GonnePhishin · Post by **GonnePhishin** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:10 pm

Sorry to hear about your dad, Pitchy. It's always a shame when families aren't reconciled to each other and someone passes away. Even if you don't want to go see him, saying you forgive him for whatever occurred will be heard by the Lord.
Prayers offered up for you....

Walker · Post by **Walker** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:01 pm

Brother, that is a hard decision. I won't let my mother come anywhere near me or my wife, but when she goes I'll probably attend the funeral more for the rest of the family than for her memory. Whichever way you decide, hope it gives you peace.

tw

JohnB · Post by **JohnB** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:04 pm

Pitchy wrote:Well fellas here`s one for your advice.
My dad lives 20 miles from us and hasn`t came to our house or called in that amount of time.
He divorced my mother in 77 and us kids, never came too my mothers funeral when she passed in 2001.
I don`t believe i`m going to his funeral and i`m sure i`ll be made the bad person for it but my heart ain`t in it.
The most i can muster up is, Dad i forgive you and i`m sorry for the wrongs i did against you and i`ve been praying that you found the Lord.
RIP Dad.

Well, since you asked for my $0.02, I will offer up....

Regardless of how the two of you ended it, he was still your father. You would not be here, were it not for him and your mom.
I hate to see you carry around the baggage tied to not paying your respects, even if the only respects are to acknowledge him as a patriarch.

Speaking as a father, no matter how strained the relationship is, you are still his son and that carries with it an inherent connection that cannot be fully severed, on either end.

I speak from the heart on this. My parents divorced when I was 1 1/2 and it was war until I was 18. My dad can be a real humdinger of a knucklehead and a pathological liar (which I cannot understand), but outside of that, I took some very good things from him, that I may not have otherwise.

Forgive your dad and yourself. Go tell him good-bye and I pray he was at peace with the Lord.

My condolences,

John

nemhed · Post by **nemhed** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:09 pm

My condolences, Pitchy! My only advice is to go to the funeral, your presence may be a blessing to others there and might provide you some closure or a path to reconciliation at least in your heart.

Blaine · Post by **Blaine** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:13 pm

You have to do what's right....No one knows that but you, Brother

Personally? I'd go, sit in the back, and quietly leave after it's done.

Griff · Post by **Griff** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:14 pm

Pitchy, my condolences on your father's passing.

nemhed wrote:My condolences, Pitchy! My only advice is to go to the funeral, your presence may be a blessing to others there and might provide you some closure or a path to reconciliation at least in your heart.

+1

6pt-sika · Post by **6pt-sika** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:16 pm

Condolences !

I have been far more fortunate then most people in the fact that I knew my parents as well as both sets of grandparents and one set of great grandparents .

Far be it for me to suggest what anyone other then myself should do . But if you asked my opinion I would say you just might be better off going .

Just my opinion .

C. Cash · Post by **C. Cash** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:23 pm

Prayers up Brother and very sorry for your loss.

J Miller · Post by **J Miller** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:18 pm

Lenn,

You have my condolences for your loss. Weather or not you choose to go to the funeral is up to you.

Take care.

Joe

Pitchy · Post by **Pitchy** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:19 pm

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and the go not go seems about even.
I will not be going, he only talked to us a couple times in the 31 years of our marriage.
He has never been there for me or two of my other sisters who i`m sure won`t go either.
There will be no good that will come from me going and probably just make things worse.
Hope no one thinks less of me for not going but i buried him years ago in my life.
Thanks again for the prayers they`er appreciated.

WCF3030 · Post by **WCF3030** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:22 pm

Sorry to hear that Pitchy.

FatJackDurham · Post by **FatJackDurham** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:50 pm

You might go just to say hello to any family members you yourself havent seen in a while. i know that the Robinson side of my family, i only got to see my cousins at the funerals. We went bowling afterwards every time.

Mainehunter · Post by **Mainehunter** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:53 pm

My condolences Pitch! It's a tough call but what ever you decided to do I'll support you no matter what.

Mainehunter

Nath · Post by **Nath** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:56 pm

I feel your sadness Pitchy.

My dad walked out on us early eighties, a womaniser and child beater. A wretched man.

When he died I knew that now his sins were paid for and that now he would have to wait on Gods mercy and will.

I had years of pent up anger towards that man but that has left me now, he is no longer a concern. I too could not attend his funeral.

It is sad that some families go through this, poor parenting.

No one can tell what to do here, your conscience is the decider Pitchy.

Peace to you brother and your wife.

Nath.

madman4570 · Post by **madman4570** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:09 pm

First----very sorry you lost your Dad my friend (even though things were strained in the years,he was your Dad and I bet you still loved him)

Pitchy-----my friend, I would still go to the funeral.
I know you, you have a soft forgiving heart and you my good friend are a caring person.
Go to your Dads funeral and if nothing else----do it because part of your creation came from your Dad(other part from your Mom)
And the sum total from God!-----------------------------Go and walk with God and from now to your end of days on here(it will be a decision I think you will be glad you made.
The other people just looking for an excuse to put you down(screw them)let that stuff slide off your shoulders, especially on that day.)
Again-------so sorry friend,---------------you need something, you yell!

jazman · Post by **jazman** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:16 pm

As you are the only one who knows the truth in this, you are the only one who should make the decision on what to do. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. Prayers up for you and yours.

rangerider7 · Post by **rangerider7** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:25 pm

FAITH is not believing that God can, FAITH is believing that God will. I think about these words often, especially when there is a tough decision I'm about to make. I believe God will show you the way and help you in finding the answer. God Bless. RR7

Tycer · Post by **Tycer** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:34 pm

Sorry Pitchy. I also think you should go. Bring true closure by tossing a bit of earth on his remains while giving thanks for being born and finding The Lord and also to offer your forgiveness out loud.

KirkD · Post by **KirkD** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:25 pm

Pitchy, I am sorry to hear how your father did such a sorry job of being a father. That is got to be rough on a fellow. Very rough. Not knowing the circumstances, I can't say what you should do. There might be regret either way, whether you decide to go or whether you decide not to go. I would probably choose the path of least regret, whichever that may be. May your heavenly Father do what your earthly father never did. My prayers are with you, Bro.

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:31 pm

Pitchy...in 37 years in the Pastoral ministry, I have seen just about ever kind of situation that come to us humans. I have seen people racked with guilt over this or that.

I have learned there are two kinds of guilt;

1. Earned guilt. We have done something wrong and feel guilty about it. We have earned out guilty feelings and we need to do whatever it takes to expunge the guilt. Make amends if possible, seek God's forgiveness and learn from the mistake.

2. Unearned guilt. We have done nothing wrong, but we feel guilty because others think we should have done or been something else. This is guilt forced on us by others because we are not like them. This type of guilt needs to be identified and thrown overboard in our lives.

I have no idea if you suffer any feelings of guilt over this issue or not. I certainly hope not, because if you do it is unearned guilt. You did nothing to make your father what he was and the feelings you have are honest expression of what has gone on in your life.

If you have an residual hurt, anger or hostility toward the man, then throw it away. It won't change the man, change the past and can only hurt you if you drag it with you one more day.

If took me a while to let go of my hurt, about how I was cast away by my parents before I could walk. But in the end that was their problem and not mine. They inflicted enough hurt on me and I will not allow that to continue into the future. I will not be an emotional cripple because they were bad people. I refuse to allow that and believe God is on my side on this one. God wanted better for them, but they chose another path. I want to say on the good path walking with God along the way.

Take care and God bless... Charles

Sixgun · Post by **Sixgun** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:34 pm

Bro,
Go. Whatever the case, it will give YOU closure and with that, comes piece of mind. There will be plenty of eyes upon you and by not showing up, others will say, "I figured". You rise above that and go, hold your head high, mind your own spoken words, say the proper inner dialog, and hit the road. --------------Your bro from Pa.------------Sixgun

2ndovc · Post by **2ndovc** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:12 pm

I can't imagine how you feel. My wife's father split when she was five with four other siblings and a mother whom he'd brought home from
Germany and worked as a seamstress for minimum wage. She had a really tough childhood and I'm amazed on a daily basis how she turned out to be such a wonderful person.
I have a sister on the other hand that grew up wanting for nothing and is one of the meanest, nastiest people I've ever met.
My parents would never believe me how nasty she could be until she started turning her anger on them once she was out of college and no longer needed their help. I have no idea where this anger came from, I grew up in the same house and could not asked for a better childhood.

Only you can make the decision to go to the funeral or not. If it's too painful then f it! He ain't gonna know either way!
My thoughts are with ya Bro!

j

FWiedner · Post by **FWiedner** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:33 pm

Sorry to hear about your loss, Pitchy.

If you're gonna spit on a fellas grave and then swing the Lord around like you got a stray cat by the tail, then at least acknowledge His concerns.

The main issue here is that he was your father, so pay appropriate respects. You decide what that entails.

AJMD429 · Post by **AJMD429** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:41 pm

Pitchy wrote:The most i can muster up is, Dad i forgive you and i`m sorry for the wrongs i did against you and i`ve been praying that you found the Lord.
RIP Dad.

Well, he's dead and gone and won't know or care if you're there or not, so the only other factor would be if you think someone ELSE there actually NEEDS you to be there (not 'expects' you to be there, but 'needs' you to be there because only your hugs of support would help them through their time of dealing with it). If nobody fits that description, stay home, or if someone does fit that description you can always pay them a visit in a few days in person; that is a time when the funeral is over and it is just starting to sink in, but for many folks that is the loneliest and hardest time - not the funeral itself.

So if there is another relative like that, give them a call and let them know you won't be at the funeral, but might stop by next week if it is ok. Even if you didn't like the guy, some folks you love and who love and need you may have liked him alot, and your support to THEM is what counts.

dogngun · Post by **dogngun** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:10 pm

Pitchy, my dad and I didn't get along, either, but it's still a loss.

I felt he taught me to be a good man by using him as an example of what not to do.

He died on Jan 1, 2012, his 95th birthday...he lived in South Texas, and I live in Eastern PA, and I didn't make the trip.

Still, my best regards and sympathy...you are not the only one.

mark

w30wcf · Post by **w30wcf** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:11 pm

Pitchy,
Sorry to hear of the situation and nice to know that you have forgiven him.

David Meece had an alcoholic father who made life miserable for the whole family. Even though his father threatened to kill him, David eventually forgave him after he passed away.

He wrote a song called "My Father's Chair". It ends with our Father's chair in heaven. Hopefully this will give you some additional peace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLhRc9oP-l4

A great song about forgiveness....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VquoupNiypI

And...the story that inspired it.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz3tkHv5sbg

Yours in Christ,
John

slimster · Post by **slimster** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:51 pm

Pitchy, I just wanted to relate my own personal experience to you. In 1987 my father passed away. I hadn't thought that I was capable of grieving for him, in fact, I had not told him that I loved him since I was just a small child. When I saw him lying in the casket, I decided right then and there to give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him that I loved him. It gave me a tremendous feeling of fulfilment, and I will always be thankful that I did that. Even though he never was a real father figure to me, I can't know what was in his mind, or what he could or couldn't show to his kids. I have never regretted it. Sorry if I kind of rambled a bit.