Colonoscopy, again

[Bill in Oregon]

Had my consultation yesterday, and the fun begins on the morning of March 21. I am relieved (sorry!) to find out that the days of Fleet's enemas and magnesium citrate are over. Instead, it's just clear liquids and 18 doses of MiraLAX the day before ...

[Mescalero]

Oh,
I remember Fleet's
Truly dreadful stuff!

[pwl44m]

I'll trade Ya 1/2 Ur C for 1/2 My D. move along.
Perry

[Blaine]

I hope everything comes out ok

[Nath]

I just hope there is light at the end of the tunnel

Sincere best wishes buddy

Nath.

[Mescalero]

I got 5 more years then I get to play again,............ are not we lucky!

[jdad]

They can't use "Milk of Amensia", Propofal, on me next time. I was one of the rare cases that got extremely combative coming out of it as they were wheeling me into the recovery area.

[Mescalero]

Not me, big old stupid grin and everything is fine.

[guido4198]

The first 2 I had were done without propofal or anything else. I was wide awake. Not a big deal.
Last one was with the Propofal and I have to admit it was less unpleasant...but I still don't like being sedated into unconsciousness.
Just had one, and I'm also on the 5-yr plan. The PREP. is Everything. Do it right, don't cut corners.

[jdad]

The first 2 I had were done without propofal or anything else. I was wide awake. Not a big deal.
Last one was with the Propofal and I have to admit it was less unpleasant...but I still don't like being sedated into unconsciousness.
Just had one, and I'm also on the 5-yr plan. The PREP. is Everything. Do it right, don't cut corners.

I really wouldn't want to be awake when they're pushing a garden hose, with a camera on the end, all the way up to my appendix.

[Boreman]

I am right there with you.Had my colonoscopy this AM.I am also on the 5 year plan.So far at 71 I am in great shape.My dad had colon/rectal cancer,so I have to be very careful. My colonoscopy was a very moving experience..............................!

[Lastmohecken]

Had my consultation yesterday, and the fun begins on the morning of March 21. I am relieved (sorry!) to find out that the days of Fleet's enemas and magnesium citrate are over. Instead, it's just clear liquids and 18 doses of MiraLAX the day before ...

I have to do the same next week. I had hoped to do it on a Monday Morning and use Sunday afternoon to start with the MiraLax, but no, I had to set it up for Next Friday morning, so I have to take off on noon Thursday to start the MiraLax. What a great way to spend a couple of days vacation. This is my 5th year since the first one.

[1894c]

couldn't resist, just had to re-post this--- this sounds like an "alien abduction" ...bright lights...missing time...and you know you've been probed...
Bill In O, i hope your examine goes well --prayers sent-- ... :)

[Mescalero]

30wcf,
That was bad, very very bad!

[Bill in Oregon]

30wdf: You funny guy ...

[mikld]

Mine was a 4 months ago. As time goes by I can remember less and less of what went on (yahoo!). My experiences with anesthetics have been pretty wild (4 cancer surgeries in '10 and '11), with extreme panic attacks afterwards twice. Whatever was used this time was kinda pleasant, and I don't remember nuttin' from the prep room 'till dinner that night...

[Mescalero]

The lovely " forget juice "
works for me.

[rodeo kid]

Must be catchy, I just had mine on Monday, had one polyp removed. Have had one every 4 years for the last 12 years. Fun-Fun-Fun! God Bless.

[Mescalero]

You have a strange concept of fun.

[BILLYDIXON]

A colonoscopy is not to bad. The lower GI is a lot more fun to have. I've only had one and it was a gasser.
BD

[Chas.]

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:


... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At I first was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.


I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER... Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning

humor columnist for the Miami Herald.