Puns for the Educated

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COSteve
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Puns for the Educated

Post by COSteve »

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that . . . the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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Blaine
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by Blaine »

*sniff* Brought tears of joy to my eyes.... :lol:
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Mescalero
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by Mescalero »

#2 my favorite
slimster
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by slimster »

Heck, I like them all. Outstanding! :D
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by bdhold »

lucky for us, there's no such thing as a good pun.
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by Blaine »

The PoDunk Zoo was famous for two things. Seven porpoises that has been living forever, and an old mangy lion that was so tame they just let it have the run of the grounds. The porpoises ate only seagulls, and one day the zoo ran out of them. The zookeeper had to rush two states over and pick up a few hundred seagulls and hurry back with them. When he got back, the old lion was laying across the entrance to the zoo, so he just drove around him and was immediately arrested for crossing the staid lion with gulls for immortal porpoises.
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markinalpine
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by markinalpine »

GROAN x 8 :? :roll: :wink: :o :shock: :P :lol: :mrgreen:

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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by jnyork »

Go to your room! :shock:
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by JerryB »

GOOD ONE BLAINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
JerryB II Corinthians 3:17, Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by TX50Cal »

:lol:
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by piller »

I read that last one in Reader's Digest about 30 years ago.
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by piller »

Many years ago, my parents took us to California to see the ocean. At the beach, we had a picnic lunch. Immediately after eating, I wanted to go for a swim. Against advice, I did go swimming in the ocean while still full from lunch. About 10 minutes after getting in the ocean, a seal swam past trailing bubbles and a noxious brown cloud in the water. I started getting ill and had intestinal cramps. I nearly drowned. When I finally made it back to the shore, my Father told me that you should never go swimming immediately after eating as even a seal can plainly foo.
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earlmck
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by earlmck »

piller wrote:as even a seal can plainly foo.
Had to crunch the gears a bit on that one, piller. Thanks guys... good ones. :lol:

For favorites I'll nominate #6 out of your list, Steve :lol:
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El Chivo
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by El Chivo »

A hippie was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had plenty of food and water and marijuana seeds, so he contentedly settled in for a long stay.

After he was there a while, some large sea birds came to the island. They were noisy, ate his food and attacked him.

Desperate, he took some of his marijuana crop to their nesting area and set it on fire. The birds inhaled the smoke and became disoriented and fell asleep. Seizing his opportunity, the hippie went in with a stick and killed all the birds.

One bird, however, was not there at the time. He didn't inhale any smoke, but he saw what happened to his flock. He picked up a rock in his claws, flew as high as he could, and dropped it on the hippie, killing him.

Moral of the story: Leave no tern unstoned.

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Mil Famey was a mediocre relief pitcher, who spent most of his time in the bullpen. He rarely got to pitch. To pass the time he usually knocked back three or four beers throughout the game; he would line the bottles up on the railing next to the bullpen.

Now it was the second game of the big doubleheader. The first game had run into extra innings and the manager was out of pitchers. He had a 2-0 lead going into the ninth, and his starter was tired, so he called for Mil Famey.

Unbeknownst to the manager, by then Mil had drunk 7 beers. He came out and did his best, but his control wasn't so great, and he walked the bases loaded. Then, as his manager wept, Mil walked the next three men one by one, the last one scoring the winning run.

The winning team had to pass by the bullpen on their way to their locker room, and the three guys who scored runs were walking together. One of them pointed at the empty beer bottles and said, "That's the beer that made Mil Famey walk us."


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The monastery was located high in the Italian Alps, inaccessible by any roads. Finally, after six centuries, it was time for their priceless pipe organ to be tuned. They contracted the famous German organ tuner Franz Oppernockity.

Oppernockity was an eccentric genius who insisted that all instruments be brought to his shop to be worked on. At great expense, the monastery arranged for helicopter transport to carry the great organ to the shop. The tuning was done, the organ sounded magnificent, and was taken back by air to the monastery.

But as the helicopter was lowering the organ down to its resting place, a gust of wind caused the organ to hit the ground. It wasn't damaged, but it was thrown back out of tune.

They rushed it back to Germany, and begged him to fix it. But the eccentric genius just shook his head, and said, "Oppernockity tunes but once".
"I'll tell you what living is. You get up when you feel like it. You fry yourself some eggs. You see what kind of a day it is."
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by piller »

The character of Doc from Callahan't Crosstime Saloon would be proud.
D. Brian Casady
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COSteve
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by COSteve »

Here's one my dad told me over 50 years ago.

The King’s Cook suddenly died and so his staff went about searching for a replacement. The staff issued a call for the best cooks in the land to come to the castle and serve their finest dish in a competition as the new King’s Cook. However, the King was very particular and if he thought the cook had not done his best, he could decide to have him beheaded so the applicants were very nervous during the tryout.

One cook had a problem with his dish and in his rush to finish at the appointed time he slightly overcooked it which left a burnt ring on the edge of the top. With no time to repair it the cook had to present it 'as is' with the concern that he might lose his head over his mistake. The King gave it a taste and liked it but with a scowl, he asked about the topping and the dark ring around it. The cook nervously replied, “Your Highness, the topping is a mixture of dough and curry” to which the King responded, “Cook, is that curry burnt?”

Summoning up his best smile, the cook replied, “No sire, it’s cooked that way on purpose to give it added flavor. It's the newest rage in London. Haven’t you ever heard of ‘Curry with the singe on top?”
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Re: Puns for the Educated

Post by Rusty »

I like #7
If you're gonna be stupid ya gotta be tough-
Isiah 55:8&9

It's easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled.
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