An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon
Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their
Jurisdiction:
1.. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the
snake. After the snake is caught by local police,
the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets
up a command center, holds a press conference, and
takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking
credit, the impressive command post is packed up and
the FBI task force return to their office to await
another large event to take credit for... In the
mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more agents
to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.
2.. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of
agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe
area.
3.. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake.
They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest
down, killing the snake, and everything else in the
forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a
presentation of why additional funding is required
to properly train agents to battle the threat of
snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management
after the operation is whether or not there was a
proper operational plan in place, if the plan was
followed, and who can take the fall for anything
that went wrong.
4.. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to
prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes
random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly
allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a
family of squirrels.
5.. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation
of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why
the snake should not be prosecuted. The
investigation is closed and all agents are out of
the office by 4:30pm.
6.. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA,
CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA,
and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake
a notice to appear on a specified date for a status
hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly
forgotten.
7.. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT
investigation on the snake's cell phone after
discovering that the above-listed agencies have
begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3
million to discover the snake is not Colombian...
8.. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution
out of "professional courtesy."
9.. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake.
Their inability to communicate with the snake
results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers.
They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th
time).
10.. US Forest Service - They have meeting after
meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide
to deny any existence of the snake on public lands.
All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any
sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to
refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."
11.. Local Sheriff's Office - Shoots the snake
after accidentally driving over it several times.
The Deputy then puts the snake in a city Police
Officer's car while it is parked outside the nearest
Starbucks.
